Where did your enoughness go? š§š«£
Did you know you were born enough?
Every human being is.
And yet as we grow we might receive messages (usually through other peopleās behaviour) that weāre not enough.
Whether thatās through direct messages of criticism, blame, neglect, judgement, abuse or unkindnessā¦
ā¦or through not receiving adequate:
attention
love
protection
friendship
kindness
š As children we tend to make whatever is going on about us
Because we donāt have logic and reasoning until we are much older, and we see the world through an ego-centric lens until about the age of 7ā¦
ā¦other peopleās behaviour towards us affects the way in which we see ourselves.
Meaning we donāt see the other personās distraction, coldness, unkindness, depression or aggression to be about them and their lack of self worth...
ā¦we see their behaviour as a flaw in us.
We blame ourselves for their behaviour.
And here is where not enoughness can be born.
But it can also be a lot more subtle than thatā¦
Kindness Scientist Dr David Hamilton, describes in his book (I Heart Me) that by the age of seven years old we develop a cortisol (our main stress hormone) set point based on our most consistent emotional environment.
Cortisol is what gets released when we feel anxious, nervous, scared, stressed, overwhelmed etc
And we take our cortisol set point with us into adulthood.
He says:
āAs we move through our adult years, this set point flavours how we feel about ourselves, how we interpret the world around us and the behaviour of other people, and how we respond to stressors.
This cortisol setting is not genetic. Genetics can play a role too, but when it comes to setting the chemistry, and even much of the neural architecture of the brain, itās only a minor role.
Our environment is much more important. And as small children, our environment was created, most of the time, by our caregivers [and their cortisol set point].ā
As children we are complete sponges of our environment. We donāt have logical and rational thinking till much later in our development. Which is why as parents itās so important to not just tell your child how you would like them to behave, but to model it for them.
From this understanding Dr Hamilton created the concept of the Self-Worth Contagion.
Dr Hamilton says: āIn your early years, when your brain was growing fast, if your mum had a self-worth setting of, say, 7, and your dad 4, and you were closer to your mum, youād probably have a self-worth setting of 7 as well, or maybe 6, depending on the amount of time you spent with your dad.
The effect of this is what I call the āself-worth contagionā.
When your caregivers have low levels of self worth, the concept of high self-worth can be hard to grasp, regardless of what youāre doing in your life, because thereās no frame of reference, no experience of high self-worth, available to you. Itās like trying to imagine a colour that doesnāt exist.ā
Any anxious, avoidant, abusive, harsh or neglectful behaviour on the part of a caregiver most likely stemmed from lack of self worth, or not enoughness in themselves. So in reflecting on what number your caregiver might have had at the time of your childhood, take this into consideration.
Our experiences from our childhood environment become the water we swim in. Itās what we know.
And itās why we might:
find ourselves in adult relationships that mimic our dynamics with our caregivers,
have an ongoing sense of vigilance as an adult from living in a stressed environment as a child,
have an abhorrence of anger because of an aggressive caregiver, or
have an internal critical voice that sounds just like a parentā¦
By making the patterns you inherited conscious, and in taking responsibility for what you made your childhood experiences mean about you, you can start to change them.
Until this occurs you are unconsciously committed to your level of enoughness due to the self worth set point, and the beliefs about you that you developed in childhood before you had logic and reasoning.
Enoughness can be learned at any age, and Dr Hamilton suggests that this is made possible through 3 Stages:
Stage 1 - Iām not enough (recognising the water youāre swimming in)
Stage 2 - Iāve had enough (being fed up with feeling this way - this is when a new commitment can emerge to experience yourself differently)
Stage 3 - I am enough (creating a new paradigm and changing the water youāre swimming in)
Stage 3 is all about taking responsibility for moving towards Secure Attachment with yourself, through becoming the caregiver to yourself that you never had.
Doing this alongside nervous system regulation you begin to change your inner landscape, and update your cortisol set point.
Although that might sound like an enormous task from where you sit, and it may very well take some timeā¦
ā¦.itās the most important thing you can do for yourself, because:
ā”ļø How you feel about YOU affects your whole world
A place to begin is to look for examples of healthy enoughness that you can model and revel in to connect with a new āself worth contagionā.
That might be in other people or in animals, or in the world.
Today is Summer Solstice āļøš»
Mother Nature is flourishing and showing us her abundance.
There is enoughness all around you.
I invite you to pause and drink it up, and notice how it feels to receive the feeling of enoughness.
Nature is naturally enough, and so are you.
To your continued evolution š«
With so much love,
P.s. Youāre more courageous than you think